Lipstick hostage crisis escalates

    (Boulder, Colo.)—A hostage crisis involving two innocent tubes of libstick entered its second day with the lipstick's captor making additional demands. According to police, shady underworld blog figure Evil Libby contacted the lipstick's distraught owner, smut author Pamela Clare, to set conditions for a trade-off. In an e-mail that contained blatant threats against the lipstick's safety and survival, Evil Libby indicated her willingness to take extreme action, police reports say.

    "I see I need to work on my hostage negotiation skills, so to show you I'm serious about the lipstick (it is getting warmer outside after all, and I might 'accidentally' leave it in the car), here's a picture to show you just how serious the situation is," the email stated. "I hope you make the right choice. Jabba's kind of pervy when it comes to womanly things if you know what I mean. And I think you do. BWA AH AH AH AHHHH!"

    The email was accompanied by a graphic picture of the two young lipsticks chained and under the control of Storm Troopers answering to Tattooine's organized crime figure, Jabba the Hutt. Police were unwilling to comment on what Evil Libby's connections to Hutt and crime on Tattooine might be.

    "Anything would be speculation at this point, so we're unwilling to comment," said a police spokesman.

    However, inside sources indicate that Evil Libby could be the secret head of Hutt's organization. The same inside source was able to provide this blog with the photograph in question (warning: may be too graphic for some viewers).

    Two tubes of libstick were taken captive last week by Evil Libby. They are shown here, alive but under the control of Storm Troopers and Jabba T. Hutt.

    Whether the image was intended to provoke Clare into rash action or as a proof of life is uncertain at this point.

    Phone calls to Clare went unanswered. The reclusive and eccentric author is said to be in great distress about her lipstick and willing to do almost anything to get it back. Clare is also grappling with a novel deadline at this time, and tabloids have been speculating as to whether she can hold out under the strain.

    Though police refused to confirm the date of any arranged drop-off, a source close to the investigation claims the event could take place as soon as tomorrow evening.

    The lipstick was reported missing over the weekend after Clare, known for her willingness to take extreme risks while researching her novels, attended a meeting with Evil Libby and her consort, an enigmatic figure known as D.H. Man-Toy. How the lipstick came in to Evil Libby's possession is uncertain, but one source, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said that Clare had been drinking and that this led to the tragedy.

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